What the hell do I know about being a father?

As the birth of Ninja Baby approaches, it's amazing how many times I ask myself that question. I mean, really the only previous child-raising experience I have is those few times my parents left me and my brother alone in the house. And although the fact that the house never burned is a plus in my favour, I have to be honest and say there's not much I do know about raising children.

But you know what? I know stuff. Sure it all comes from movies, but it's still worthy advice, and I would have no qualms about passing it down to my child. Here is a sampling of some of the knowledge I plan to give the kid throughout the years, as well as a reference to the source:

On setting priorities:

Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. – The Godfather

On Jesus:

Jesus was black. If Jesus was black, the apostles were black, 'cause wouldn't no 12 white men follow no brother. Not unless they was the police and Jesus had a warrant, huh? They ain't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he was black. Jesus first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now, if that ain't black folk shit, I don't know what is. – The Original Kings of Comedy

On self-defense:

They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. – The Untouchables

On dating:

In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women. – Scarface

On political science:

Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. – Ferris Buller’s Day Off

On finding inner balance:

First learn stand. Then learn fly. Nature rule Daniel-san, not mine. – The Karate Kid

On passing gas:

In nineteen minutes, this area's gonna be a cloud of vapor the size of Nebraska. – Aliens

On self-confidence:

Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big old storm right in the eye and says, "Give me your best shot. I can take it." – Big Trouble in Little China

On manners:

Oh. Johnny, I apologize; I forgot you were there. You may go now. – Tombstone

On oenology:

First thing, hold the glass up and examine the wine against the light. You're looking for color and clarity. Just, get a sense of it. OK? Uhh, thick? Thin? Watery? Syrupy? OK? Alright. Now, tip it. What you're doing here is checking for color density as it thins out towards the rim. Uhh, that's gonna tell you how old it is, among other things. It's usually more important with reds. OK? Now, stick your nose in it. Don't be shy, really get your nose in there. Mmm... a little citrus... maybe some strawberry... passion fruit.... and, oh, there's just like the faintest soupçon of like asparagus and just a flutter of a, like a, nutty Edam cheese... - Sideways

On marriage:

Marriage is an important part of getting ahead: lets people know you're not a homo; married guy seems more stable; people see the ring, they think at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch; ladies see the ring, they know immediately you must have some cash or your cock must work. – The Departed

On the inconsistency of men:

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more. Men were deceivers ever. One foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never. Then sigh not so but let them go and be you blithe and bonny, converting all your sounds of woe into "hey-nonny-nonny". – Much Ado About Nothing

On colour theory:

Purple? What kind of a homosexual are you anyway? That's not purple, "Mary", that color out there... is mauve. – Angels in America

On personal beliefs:

Well I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fibre, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontang are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. - Bull Durham

On true love:

Death cannot stop true love. It can only delay it for awhile. - The Princess Bride

On knowledge:

Only a numbskull thinks he knows things about things he knows nothing about. - The Hudsucker Proxy